She drank a full litre bottle of gin,
Then she decided to do him in.
She crept up to the bedroom door
It was very dark but she could hear him snore.
In her hand she gripped the knife
With which she would end his life.
It had a long serrated blade,
She reckoned that it was custom made
To do the job she had in mind
Efficiently without any kind
Of problem that she could foresee,
But she was drunk and needed to pee.
She turned around to go to the loo
Which when one is drunk one needs to do,
And as she faced the other way
She heard his voice behind her say
“What are you doin’ darlin’ o’ mine?
Have you been partakin’ of the vine?
Have you had too much to drink agin ?
I hope you ain’t been drinkin’ gin.”
She shouted out “Oh no ma jear,
Ah’v nerrer dwunk as much as one lickle beer
Nos one drop ‘as passed mah lips
I never even had no sips.”
He answered her loud and clear
“Then why have you my darlin’ dear,
In your hand that carving knife,
Were you about to take my life?”
“Oh darlin’o’ mahn how could you
Even think dat ah could do
Such a nasty evil thing as zat,
Dis knife is to chop a great big rat,
Which I jus saw runnin’ out o’dis room,
And it looked sooo big through the gloom
So I just picked up the first knife I saw
When I opened the cutly dwaw.”
To this her husband then replied
“So tonight a big rat nearly died?”
“Oh s’pose ya could sorta say that,
So tomowow we gotta git a cat.
Go back t’ sleep darling husband pweese
An’ ah’ll jus go to da loo an’ ease
My little bladder cos’ it’s killin’me
I had too many cusps o’ tea.”
“Alright darlin’ I need to sleep
When you come to bed remember and keep,
That knife on the table beside the bed
So if that big rat comes back he’s gonna be dead!”
Tom Higgins 07/03/2014